Sibling conflict is a common situation in all families, and from the perspective of child psychology, it is quite understandable. But if it is not addressed at an early age, over time it can escalate into a major conflict between family members—sometimes lasting a lifetime.
All these quarrels and fights between children did not pass me by—I know this problem firsthand. I literally couldn't drive a meter if both my sons, four years apart, were in the back seat. The car, in their presence, turned into a "washing machine"—that's how fierce the battles were in it.
I have always been a proponent of not interfering in children's affairs. The fact is that I myself was an older sister, and my life turned into hell because of it: my mother blamed me—as the older one—for all conflicts. It got to the point where my younger sister, feeling my mother's protection, regularly drew on my notebooks and homework for all subjects with markers. Only my class teacher stopped this, calling my mother to school and standing up for me. I am very grateful to her for that.
But let's go back to my boys. I became alarmed when I read my younger son's letter to Santa Claus, asking that his older brother not hit him. Then I rushed to consult with educators and psychologists, and read books.
And, as they say, he who seeks finds. I won't recount the whole journey—I'll immediately share the tips that I learned and that truly changed the relationship between my sons.
Tip 1. Do not admonish in front of the other child.
Never admonish—neither the older nor the younger—in each other's presence. Even if it comes to a fight. At that moment, the children just need to be separated and the fight stopped—without shouting, without attacks, and without a raised tone from either side.
Neither side should see you making comments about their relationship. Do not try to figure out in front of the children who is right and who is wrong, and by no means take anyone's side. Have all conversations with the "aggressor" in private—choose a time and place where the other side will not see or know. Yes, this requires special patience not to snap—I know from experience.
Tip 2. Build contact through love.
What to do right during a fight? When one child shows aggression, do not raise your voice or seek justice—there is none here, and "truth" will always be yours and will only do harm in this situation. You'll deal with the instigator and explain everything later. But for now, take their hand and use that hand to stroke the injured party, saying: "Forgive us, we don't even know what happened to us, we love you." Make the children hug and make up. Then hug both of them together, tightly.
You can say something like: "Oh, why are you fighting? Vanya loves you so much, Masha, don't hit him—it hurts him. Vanya, don't be offended by Masha, she loves you very much, something probably just happened. Masha, how do you feel? Children, I love you very much."
Remember: aggression always begets aggression. And only you can stop it—by setting an example of love. There is no other way.
Tip 3. Teach them to play together.
I found the third important component from Japanese educators. In Japanese kindergartens, in the youngest groups, if a teacher sees children fighting or arguing over a toy, they immediately approach and start showing how great it is to play with that toy together. Together is more interesting, and they visually demonstrate all the advantages of playing together.
I think this is brilliant—in contrast to our usual: "Give the toy to Katya, don't be greedy, she doesn't have one, and you can play at home." Firstly, why should a child give away their toy? And secondly, this is a violation of their boundaries and, I dare say, their property. It is much better to offer a solution—to captivate them with the idea of playing together. Yes, it takes time and creativity, but it's worth it.
I spent a lot of time and imagination on all three points, thinking through explanations and situations—but the result exceeded expectations. After a while, the conflicts began to subside, and the children started playing together. True, for this, I had to dedicate the entire living room to a Lego city they built together for several years.
Yes, they still argued and quarreled. But the arguments became more constructive—because in parallel, I talked to each of them about why friendship is better than quarreling. And life improved.
I highly recommend trying these tips—they are tried and tested.
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